Raw LLM Responses

Can’t admire everyone alive / laying in bed as a kid and hear my parents fighting and just thinking about my own consciousness and how I was so aware to listen to this and not say a word Mimi almost feel like my awareness was a competition and that by being endlessly curious, I could be endlessly a cipher for all things’s Past, Present & Future and turn this into something magnificent but to open of a mind just funnels and I must add a net to my brain / seeing adults not be adults and get frustrated with themselves but act like they know everything / wanting to be special because I had this heighten sense of awareness, and I always believe something maybe naturally feel special because I was an outsider intuitively, but it wasn’t that I was special. It was that I was different than the majority and it made me just feel like I couldn’t understand why me and I still feel that way sometimes especially in today’s day and age but if you always try to feel like an outsider, it will kill you slowly and you’ll be isolated, and you have to understand sometimes that the way things are aren’t supposed to make sense and to take all your awareness and truly give it all to the present and you can be aware with anybody no matter how” stupid” it is to you/ on the preschool playground I learned that girls and boys would do what they want for themselves when a girl kiss another boy and I like that girl. I learned that she went for that boy because I didn’t put my foot down on what I want even at this age girls had this built-in tendency to just move on and not think twice about the feelings of another and from that since that day I just saw and remember the police sirens or ambulance sirens. Just seeing this world was one big pool of hurt and I told myself I would always be there for myself/ hyper awareness this “identity “ I construct and other kids/adults would be given back upon death, although even we work so hard in school and then careers seemed completely absurd / and ever since then I’ve struggled and felt stifled to be present and do my best and to also know this moment is fleeting and assuming we don’t get to see this awareness or take it with us is the most tragic thing to me as a kid / the more I live life sure of myself the more I find in others they are souls too / a unique blend of super conscious and awareness . A curse of ambitious trauma and trying to use past pains since I’m so aware of them and I can’t deny them because if I did, I’ll be denying a part of my awareness so I figure I might as well use the trauma to turn it into something good and all the bad experiences, my brain naturally turns negatives in the positive now but let me say it’s not always fun going to the process, but there’s no other choice literally even though I believe in free well it almost feels like I am genetically or too aware to deny having a choice to make it positive and this is also where I told myself I wouldn’t purposely make negative experiences for myself because then I’d be defeating the purpose of maximizing and being the most efficient but as I’ve grown, I’ve learned to allow myself to be human and make mistakes and understand that some parts of me just maybe who I am, and once I accept that, I can validate it myself, no matter what without seeking for external validation without walling it off either- a gift of understanding freedom is always here no matter what and I can almost see myself as a robot going through motions to achieve something but art itself… is supposed to be the opposite of robotic and this ability to see myself in third person going through the motions is almost my own art project myself whether that’s my soul, watching or my consciousness is fascinating to say the least- especially when I have this willpower to push it it’s almost like a magic source of fuel and sometimes I asked if that’s due to experiences like having a eating disorder that made me had some immense discipline and commitment but if I think about it, honestly, the only reason I was able to have such a dramatic eating disorder was cause I already had that will, and discipline in me before that/ sometimes I ponder and think other people are so lucky to not think this deeply but I know that I have an immense power in me. I just haven’t found the best way to articulate it yet because I’m still in progress, but there are certain points in time that my mind can see that I’ll read most likely have something tragic doesn’t happen to me that allow me to know I’m just fine and when I do zoom out and remember how good we have it in this modern time even though I know it’ll be way better in the future times most likely it’s all subjective and this is the only time am I awareness knows that and I’m on a ticking clock to where I may have to give up my awareness for eternity and that is very much so why I fight to maximize my life because I don’t want it to be a fight but if I have to fight, I will because if there is a God that I don’t get why we would try so hard in this place or not try so hard either or to just not know who we are again and one day it’s just all blackness so I guess that is why I am really jealous of the people are able to stay on the surface because they don’t get so tied to their identity, but they get to enjoy it in a different type of way and really everything I do is to be able to enjoy in that type of way with all these layers of whatever you wanna call this type of thinking / whether the world is fair or not is completely irrelevant to one’s own journey in the world when you see it that you’re so aware that you could almost understand others awareness and they’re negativity and you just see that there’s absolutely no point in staying in there for too long because it is literally fleeting just as much as positivity so why wouldn’t you work to do positivity?